I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
