Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
God, I missed his penis.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
