Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
