i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
