How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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