We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
She is in my trunk
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
