My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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