In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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