Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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