I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
did i just pee glitter
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
