I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
