I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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