girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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