If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
