I have demons in me.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Princesses don't give blow jobs
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
