I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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