Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
