Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
