you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
