i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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