Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
