Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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