He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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