i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
