He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
as a side note pls kill me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
