You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
