hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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