____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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