the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
