I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
