me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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