Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
