"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
