i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
