You can't special order awesome
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
