"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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