So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
