I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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