Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
