Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
