I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
