I hate your face
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
