I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
