i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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