Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
