So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
