I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
