She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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