I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
