The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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