dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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