U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
